


On the Edge

by Nelja-in-English (Nelja)



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Bad Ending, Cuddling & Snuggling, Hurt/Comfort, Lonely!Martin, M/M, Mentions of Peter Lukas, Monster!Martin, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-21
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-11-27 05:26:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18190346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nelja/pseuds/Nelja-in-English
Summary: Surprisingly, Martin comes back to Jon after finishing Peter's project. But he changed.





	On the Edge

"I can tell you now," Martin says. He knows his face is very pale. He almost looks like a Lukas. "Peter, he... he thought that I would no longer want to. But he doesn't understand. He understands the Lonely very well, of course, but not the Beholding. The way you are now... half of me is just burning to give you all the answers. Please ask."

Jon does, and Martin gives his statement. He answers readily about the new Power's emergence, about how Peter wanted to stop it, about how Martin offered himself and gained the power to contain it for long enough.

"Can you come back to the Archives, now?" Jon asks. There's hope in his eyes. It makes Martin feel uncomfortable things.

"No. You don't go back from worship. It doesn't work that way."

Martin meant it to be final.

But he's spilling all his knowledge again, how hard it is to serve two masters, how he feels spiritually unbalanced, uncomfortable on the edge. He can't go back, but Peter asked him to finish what he started, to come to the Lonely forever. This he could. Betrayal can't be erased.

"Can I ask you a few more questions, Martin?" Jon asks. He's so cautious, even if there is no longer any need to be. Martin has changed. He won't be hurt so easily.

"As you wish. Maybe it's the last time you'll have the opportunity, after all."

"Is it..." Jon takes a deep breath. "Was it just office gossip? That you had... feelings for me, before... the Unknowing and all?"

"It was not," Martin answers, a bit too harshly. Jon looks embarrassed, though Martin is the one who should be.

"And... I would understand, but... Are your feelings completely gone? Or do you still..."

"I still love you," Martin cuts in.

And suddenly the world seems to show a bit more colour. Martin didn't know, he realizes; before Jon compelled him, he had no idea what he would answer.

"May I kiss you?" Jon asks - implores. And there's the Beholding part of Martin who wants to let Jon do everything he wants, and the Lonely part that wants to see the Archivist hurting and longing for him, and he really hopes it's as a human that he grabs Jon's shoulders and kisses him eagerly.

Jon wraps his arms tight around him, and for a while, everything is good.

* * *

For a long time, Martin believed that if Jon loved him, nothing bad would ever matter to him again. 

It doesn't work that way.

It helps - sometimes he wakes up with nightmares and he huddles against Jon, and sometimes Jon wakes up and holds him in return - and some nights Jon needs to be held - but even when Jon keeps sleeping, right here with Martin, it feels good listening to his heartbeat.

"I love you," he tells him, again and again.

"I love you too." Jon answers. It makes Martin's heart flutter. He should stop wondering if it would have felt even better, before. One day, he dares to carry on with the conversation, even if it will hurt.

"I don't love anyone else in the world," he whispers.

Jon looks kind of embarrassed, and it's cute, but Martin has to say it. "I used to. I tried to convince myself that it's because I've lost everyone, Sasha and Tim and... but it's not only that. I see people in the street and at the Institute and I no longer want to connect, I no longer want to help..." He swallows hard. "I'm a monster, I'm sure of it."

Jon hugs him again. "Me too..." he whispers into his ear. "It doesn't change anything. I'm here for you, Martin. Always."

Martin would like Jon's powers, right now. He wants to be sure, does Jon really love him that much, or does he promise this out of guilt? It would be like him. Or because they are both monsters, and can be anchors to each other, and it sounds like the rational decision? Martin hates himself for wondering this.

He wonders, if he was not touched by the Lonely, would he feel totally safe and loved when Jon kisses him? Or is the doubting part of what he is? He will never know.

“You saved the world,” Jon whispers, in awe.

“I saved you.” Martin answers. This has more weight. This makes him feel a bit better.

* * *

Jon starts to fall ill at the beginning of November.

Statements make him feel better, so it seems only a new phase in his... evolution at first. But soon he's feeling feverish every night, and sleeping half of the time he doesn't spend reading statements, and Martin is deadly worried.

He would always be worried about Jon dying, he reminds himself when he is horrified at how selfish he is. It's because he loves Jon, not only because he can't live without him.

Peter would take you back, a terrible voice in his head is telling him. Of course, you feel like it would be a fate worse than death, but you'll end up loving it. Everyone does, in the end. You'll feel at peace. You'll never know peace as you are, torn between two gods.

He knows what the voice is. He knows that he will never find a solution as a human. So he has to listen to the other voice. That's how he finds himself talking to Elias Bouchard.

"You don't have a lot of time left," Elias says. His voice is hoarse but he's smiling.

"What‘s happening to Jon?" Martin asks. 

"The Institute has celebrated his 200th anniversary a few months ago. Not that I think anyone cared, when I was not here?" Elias sighs. "The point is, this marks the year where the Watcher's Crown should take place. Jon is destined to do this, and did you hear what happens to avatars who don't manage to do their ritual? They fade away. Do you know what happens to the ones who won't ever try?"

"Did you do this to him?" Martin cries out.

"You could say that. The day I appointed him as Archivist. There's no way out now."

Martin thinks about Jon, about how much he cares. 

"Jon will never do it," he concludes, with quiet resignation.

"He could start the preparations. He doesn't need to know. Everything will come together in time."

Martin feels his heart start, in a bitter feeling that he recognizes as hope. Jon doesn't have to die. It will be the end of the world. Martin stopped caring about that, it seems, a long time ago. Jon will resent him. Martin can live with that, he's used to it. He can't bear the idea of Jon dying. Ever. 

"Show me how to do it," he agrees, lowering his head. He doesn't tremble when Elias' voice starts to implant terrible knowledge in his mind. He has chosen.


End file.
